Powerless Against the Calling of the Eye
Crossroads is not just the name of a Britney Spears movie
It feels slightly strange to say this even though it is true: I have been at what one can only refer to as a “crossroads” these last few months. My book Set Piece came out with 831 Stories on May 6; leading up to that, I accepted a full time job; and I turned into my agent a what I hope is close-to-final version of my other book I’ve been working on for a [redacted] number of years.
I’ve been asked many a times how I feel about the book release and all I can really say is that I am grateful. I am grateful to my publisher for putting out the book and bringing me into the 831 fold, to my friends for hyping it up, to everyone who has come out to an event, to everyone who has posted about it on Instagram or anywhere else. I can’t really stress enough how much I do not take any of this for granted. Yes, I’ve been working and writing for a long time, but nothing in this life is guaranteed. And if I can be vulnerable for a moment on Substack (because what, if anything else, is a Substack for), I sometimes feel as though for as long and as hard I have been working and writing, I don’t have as much as I’d like to show for it. Which is not to say I have nothing to show for it, as I am aware that is untrue, but the ratio of effort to success at times feels skewed. That said, I will forever cherish so many moments of this experience that I never thought I’d get to have — people I don’t know coming out to hear me talk about my book, blurbs from and conversations with writers I admire so much, seeing my book in bookstores across the country. I am not necessarily good at letting myself “enjoy” things, and while it is not why I do any of the work, it doesn’t hurt either.1
About a month after Set Piece came out, I sent my agent The Other Book, the aforementioned one I have been plugging away at longer than I perhaps would like to admit, and the one that helped me get my deal for Set Piece.2 I’ve thought about this book and its characters every day for so long and with such fervor that it feels just as much a piece of me as my liver or my kidney. Throughout the past [redacted] number of years, it’s been the driving creative force of my life, the thing that’s always in the back of my mind, that I’m always clearing my calendar to work on or need to carve out time for. If I’m being totally honest, I don’t know what happens next now that I’ve sent it to my agent (for the second time). I’ve done what I think is all the work I can do on it (I cut 37,000 words from the last draft I sent her! That’s 90 pages!!). Yes, I hope it sells, and sure, I hope to make some money off it, but at this point, it would be ok with me if it sold for all of $5 (which means my agent gets $2 and I get $3).3
So with Set Piece out in the world and The Other Book at least one small step closer (or hopefully giant leap, if I am being real), I accepted a full time job offer at the place where I have been working part-time for the last two years. The timing was basically everything could have asked for; I had already been thinking that although freelancing was going well, maybe it *was* time to embrace a little stability in what is an extremely unstable climate. I was burnt out, my brain scattered. I needed some sort of respite to figure out what came next creatively; plus, it does not hurt that I like my coworkers and believe in the work we do.
This is cringe, so I apologize, but I can’t remember the last time —even in my pre-book writing years — that I didn’t have something I was working towards, or a project I was obsessed with, so I didn’t realize how adrift I would feel without one. I suppose I am at my best when I am scraping towards something. And while I do have the idea for the next book, it feels premature to get started until The Other Book is actually sold. So I have been feeling a little weird lately, a little lost, and not entirely myself. It’s so obvious but it wasn’t until I reached a natural break that I realized how much I needed the work. In trying to embrace a new state of being, I neglected my natural one. Turns out this whole time I really have had no choice but to push myself and drive myself crazy and say no to plans so I can sit on my couch or in Variety Coffee and work on something no one may ever see or read. You make so many stupid sacrifices and come across as kind of delusional to so many people that it’s hard to know sometimes why you’re doing it and if your life would truly be better if you could just be a normal person who didn’t need to write a short humor piece, for some reason. I have thought sometimes longingly about being a different sort of person with different priorities and I suppose it’s not happening any time soon.
Generally, I am hopeful this summer can yield something new and interesting, fresh eyes for looking at the world that I can then reflect in my work. And that this new level of comfort and safety in a full time role can allow me to take more chances and risks on things I would not have found time for otherwise. I want to find the wherewithal to tell a new story in my own life and in the ones I make up.
Some stray thoughts:
Obviously the Zohran win was very, very exciting. You don’t need me to expand upon that; you can read about why literally anywhere (but most importantly from my friend Lily Puckett).
The next Letters & Sodas is July 29, rescheduled from its original June 24 date, because speaking of Zohran, I guess his campaign team and I have the same taste in venues.
I’m reading Terrace Story by Hilary Leichter (goated btw), re-watching Mad Men, and listening to so much Springsteen and Tom Petty I can only say I am having a Boomer Summer (more on that another time).
I will admit to feeling slightly anxious and overpromotional, but as my friend Justin said, if you don’t feel shame around self-promoting, you’re not doing it right.
I thought I would be able to get my agent a new draft of Set Piece as I was traveling and doing events for the book, which in retrospect, is laughable on my part. It turns out traveling and talking to people takes up mental and physical energy, who knew!!
Sometimes I consider myself ambitious and sometimes I earnestly say things like this.